open your eyes.

almostsarah @ 2009-10-20T13:42:00

2009-10-20T12:43:49Z

It's been a while.
I miss Livejournal.
I'm going to make a new account, this one was written by a person that i'd rather forget.

almostsarah @ 2009-04-30T23:41:00

2009-04-30T22:58:47Z

I have missed you LJ.
A lot has happened.
Dramadrama, of sorts. Well, the makings of drama, without the actual drama aftermath.
If that makes sense.
I have had my hait cut, and i hate it. Ever so much,
It's gone from

to

i reallyyy dislike it D;

almostsarah @ 2009-04-07T08:37:00

2009-04-07T08:37:55Z

I feel ridiculously awful and i didn't even drink that much last night. I think my body just hates me.
Scene kid themed party tonight, might be funtimes, don't know if i will go, as i have beaucoup de revision to do, i didn't sleep last night and then there is the fact that if i do go i will have to wear my bright blue skirt and a hoodie from my emo days. Oh attractive.
Oh, Hanghanghangingg.
Not amused.

almostsarah @ 2009-03-31T23:45:00

2009-03-31T22:46:26Z

I've been thinking a lot lately. If more than usual, i can't really remember.

My rapist told me to make lists to calm me down when my head can't breathe, so here is two.

Four things that define me.
one. them ♥ - They are my whole world, and my heart. I'd fall apart without them; whether that is actually a good thing, i do not know.
two. my Love. - A necklace, with the word 'Love' on, one of them gave me. I wear it every second i am awake. I only don't wear it to bed because i'm scared of breaking it, it looks so delicate. It means so much to me, even though my faith in love has vanished (although i think it's slowly coming back). Handwritten in the box it came in are the words "to remind you... you are loved". I don't know what love is anymore, if it even exists, but the necklace, and those words touched my heart in a way i didn't realise until recently, despite my crazy views and ideas about the subject.
three. Harry Potter. - I am a girl obsessed, and i am not ashamed to admit it. I link things in real life to things in Harry Potter (situations, objects, relationships, places, quotes, people), secretly, in my head of course, as the few times i have done it outloud i have been told "you can't compare Harry Potter to real life Sarah, it's just weird" (which was said both when my friend was explaining to me what Fort Knox was, and i asked if it was like Gringotts, and when i innocently dropped into a serious 'discussion' that the whole Muggle Register thing was sort of like the Jews in WWII); but i think they'll find i can, and i do. Everyone wishes their school/college was Hogwarts, don't deny it.
four. my camera. - I am hardly ever ever ever without it. It is my most favourite thing in the world, minus my bed. I like the fact i've taken more than ten thousand photos in less than a year. With my memory being as bad as it is, the photographs don't let me forget, i don't think people realise that's why i take so many pictures all the time. Just trying to hold on to goodtimes incase they try to slip away from me.

Four boys who have touched my heart.
one. Simon. - He will always be a part of me. I will always hurt when he hurts. I will always need him when i fall. He will always have the best place in my heart, and he will always be my favourite boy in the world. We may not be how we used to be, but he'll always be my perfect bestfriend.
two. Alex. - For lack of a better word, i love him. I fuck up things a lot, i have a hundred different people in my head telling me things, shouting them at me, and it got harder and harder to cope with. It was probably the worst (emotionally, generally) and best (mentally) thing i've done to myself in my life so far. Sorry isn't enough, and my words don't probably mean much, but no one ever came close to him. I held him higher than i should have. I miss him every day. He will always have my heart.
three. Joseph. - He has been, a struggle, to say the least. We've had the best and the worst times, and the worst times break my heart. He will always be the smile on my face.
four. Zani. - 'First love' and all that nonsense. But i really do hate the fact there is an ocean between us now, and that i never took the chance to say goodbye. I couldn't imagine the person i would be if i had never met him, he made me all the good things i am today.

Oh, and i've fallen in like with Frankmusik.
♥

almostsarah @ 2009-03-27T00:16:00

2009-03-27T00:27:57Z

You have no idea how excited i am for Half Blood Prince.
I am sort of annoyed that i cannot find any photos of Neville in hbp anywhere online, except one where he is in the background.

Oh and Fenrir Greyback?

Hello (;
(or would a growl be more appropriate?)
I think i may have a thing for werewolves; Jacob Black, Remus Lupin, and now Fenrir.
Ohmy.

I am more excited for this film than i am for my eighteenth birthday.
And they are less than a month apart.
Thankfully Harry comes first (:

almostsarah @ 2009-02-16T01:47:00

2009-02-16T02:03:31Z

I'm ridiculously attached to you.
You used to be the only one that could make me genuinely happy, now it just seems to have turned into you being the only one that can make me feel as awful as i do now.
And i know it's because i care, too much probably.
I need to stop saying "i love you".
To everyone, including you.
Because i don't even know if i should be saying it anymore, or if i even mean it, like, actually seriously properly genuinely mean it.
I know i mean it when i say it to you, probably the only person that i'm constantly sure i do, but i shall stop all the same, as i can't stand that i mean it and even though you say you do, you clearly don't.
This probably doesn't make sense.
Words aren't my strong point.
They never seem to want to come out in the right order.
Blah.

And Jacob singing to me last night was probably the best part of my weekend, my heart went all funny and i've been smiling all day.
He just seems to have that effect i think.
See this is where i would be like "I love him" but as i can't say that, i shall say that i care so much about him, (: and he means ridiculous amounts to me.

"I love you" is proving to be wayyy easier to stop saying than "sorry".
/:

almostsarah @ 2009-02-05T20:27:00

2009-02-05T20:30:40Z

SNOW

!

My Monday:

My Tuesday:

i miss the snow already, it made everyone happy.
i had the best two days in the history of days (:
i love them, they are my worlddd.

almostsarah @ 2009-01-25T00:52:00

2009-01-25T01:04:02Z

I was on TWLOHA's myspace page, reading through comments, as you do, and i came across one that a girl had written, she said that she would like to share her favourite quote from her favourite film, V For Vendetta. It was:
"...But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."
It made me smile, in a weird way, but yeh.
Hmm.

Things have been ridiculously random lately, my mood has been up and down and my head just will not stop. I think it may enjoy the state in gets me in.
College really is a the worst place in the world right now, i have so much work to do, and there is just too many people and ah, just everything about it, i can't deal with it right now.
It's funny because wednesday i had brookvale, and i was in such a good mood, sort of scatty and on edge but still, and rapeme went okay, it was strange, we laughed a bit, talked about pointless crap, and i smiled like a loon when i mentioned his name, but then i was probably in the right place, using that word. There was a cute guy in the waiting room on my way out too (: crazy people are pretty (:
But yes, ~~tangenttangent~~. The funny thing is, is that wednesday i was fine, and i didn't really need to have rapeme that day, but now i reallyy do need to see her and it's driving me a bit, well, crazy.

almostsarah @ 2009-01-16T18:07:00

2009-01-16T18:13:00Z

This is frustrating.
I wish it was possible for people to live in books.
Things always work out in stories.

almostsarah @ 2009-01-14T22:56:00

2009-01-14T22:59:20Z

Ah, scrap everything i have written in the past like, year or however long i've had this now.
I need to start over.

postsecret france has my heart.

almostsarah @ 2009-01-06T00:48:00

2009-01-06T00:50:31Z

Just four things.
one. i want our college smoking area to be made up of giant ashtrays like the ones on big brother.
two. i'm glad you're back in my life, i've missed you.
three. i wish jacob black was real.
four. you give me butterflies.

almostsarah @ 2008-11-02T12:21:00

2008-11-12T21:04:03Z

Fireworks, starbucks, town, hot chocolate, girly days, seth cohen, shopping, boy hugs, phonecalls, listening to him play guitar, hat pictures ^, funny car rides, singing, boots that sexytime your feet, MAN UPP's, and suchsuch. Been a good couple of week (:

almostsarah @ 2008-10-12T16:50:00

2008-10-27T19:03:18Z

hello new glasses (:

almostsarah @ 2008-10-05T20:17:00

2008-10-11T22:59:15Z

My mind is all over the place lately.
I keep spacking out in my lessons, and generally around college/out of my house.
Too many people around me, and i really do not like it. With everything going round my head constantly not shutting up, on and on, and then everyone around me having different conversations, it makes me want to scream, i don't deal with it overly well.
Hohum.

almostsarah @ 2008-09-04T10:00:00

2008-09-26T20:09:02Z

LAPTOP IS WORKING AGAIN :D
Was horrible what happened, it happened so fastt D;
Anywayy, it's been like, a month, and so much has happened, hmm.

almostsarah @ 2008-08-26T20:58:00

2008-08-26T20:26:45Z

Emma told me to look up 1 Peter 5:6-10

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due times. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm in the steadfast.

Not the most religious person in the world, but it really made me think.
I do love that girl, i wish i had her faith.
Hmm.

almostsarah @ 2008-08-20T14:43:00

2008-08-20T13:54:25Z

Had a massive panic attack/psycho episode thing last night. Blah. Scared me so much. I don't like this, i thought it was gettng better. I've been laid in bed for nearly three hours, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. I think yesterday was a bit too much too soon /: just all caught up with me when i forced my mind to stop thinking. Twelve days til brookvale, i dont know what the hell is going to happen, and if i'm even going to be able to get words out of my mouth.

almostsarah @ 2008-08-17T06:20:00

2008-08-17T05:49:45Z

Oh myy. He is a bit of a badwordd. Ooer, i think thats another thing to cross off my list (badlanguageness whatsit).
He's almost impossible to talk too. Well, the fact he either never makes sense, or doesn't let me finish what i'm trying to say, and he gets the hump. That's what he did earlier, i was trying to explain that i saw no point in liking him (well, at least admitting it, but then i don't even know if i do.) but he didn't let me say why (the whole girlfriend fandago), and i just so happened to have a picture of me and Joseph as my display picture, and he was all like "that says it all really" and left me all on my owny. Corr, he annoys me. What says it all? and what does it sayy? That i miss mon bestfriendy? Blah. He's un idiot.
He does make me smile though, and i have missed him stupid amounts.
Hohumm.
He was also like "lets forget everything thats been said in the last four days?" - it's been four days? who counts or remembers days ?
but yes, so i said "told you (:" (because the night before i told him he'd soon snap out of it and see sense, to which he replied he wouldn't, but then he's just being silly)
and then he went off on one saying how his feelings are still the same, and that its not him, its me, and that i just want to be friends and all that merde.
-eyerolll-
He keeps going on about seeing me soon, he knows that my parents have gone to le france again, and he's all going on about staying over, not in the sexuals sense, but chatting smoking and doing what we do (':
but still, hannah wont be too happy about it, but then i'm not happy about her boyrfriend staying over alllll the time, so i don't give duex merdes.

Its now twenty to six in the morning, and i haven't slept yet. I'm playing Kate Nash rather loudly to wake up and annoy my sister and her boyfriend, who i'm not heureux with en ce moment (:
God, couples annoy me.

almostsarah @ 2008-08-14T23:55:00

2008-08-14T22:58:20Z

I cannot believe him, he's such an idiotttt. Ugh.
Its been a year, and now he tells me how he feels?
I really don't know what to do, it took me a while to get over him, and now he expects things go back to how they were, /;
He wants "what we used to have"
Which was what exactly? It wasn't nothing, but it wasn't exactly something. It was just, us, our thing.
Blah.
I don't know.
I really can't believe he's doing this now.

almostsarah @ 2008-07-30T02:12:00

2008-07-30T01:28:16Z

'citin!!!!!!!!
:D

almostsarah @ 2008-07-30T01:16:00

2008-07-30T00:22:27Z

words can't describe how much i love him.

without him i think i'd just fall apart.

almostsarah @ 2008-07-23T20:24:00

2008-07-23T19:27:38Z

i love reading ones that i could have written myself.

almostsarah @ 2008-07-22T23:39:00

2008-07-22T23:13:06Z

I love Harry Potter stupid amounts. Ron Weasley, yes please. It's love i tell you.

He's ridiculously gorgeous.
Don't you just want to love him forever and everrr?

Today me and Simon went to the shop to buy fruit and see Sam. Si picked up nectarines and asked Sam if they were nice, in which Sam replied "i don't like them, i don't like anything with a texture" so i said "most things have a texture" and he said "i mean like, fleshy" me: "but you eat meat" Sam: "well yeh i love meat, you eat it too." me: "no i don't, i'm vegetarian remember" and then this other lady who worked there gave me this massive talk on how vegetarianism is unhealthy, i need certain vitamins only available in meat, that its expensive, it will make me ill, etc. I just laughed and "hmm"d a few times, but seriously, wtf. She went on about her grandaughter or daughter, whatever, was vegetarian but it was just a phase, and then she said that the 'phase' lasted eight years. Its like WTFFFFF. Seriously, thats not a fucking phase, and i hate people who say that. I understand people who do like meat, and all that, but then one. i don't know the woman and she's acting more worried about me than my mother, two. she thinks that one lecture from her is going to change my whole way of thinking?, three. i don't have to eat something thats been cruely killed if i don't want too/agree with it. /:
Some people are so small minded. I hate it when people refuse to accept other peoples views and opinions. Not just on the vegetarian thing, but religion, and the environment, and other such things. Its like asdfghjkl get your head out of your arse and stop thinking you are right and anyone that goes slightly against what you believe is wrong.

almostsarah @ 2008-07-16T22:37:00

2008-07-16T22:12:10Z

I've had enough of people to be honest.
The amount of people who slag of my best friends, telling the me they are horrible shit people, it's really starting to piss me off.
They are the only people who have stuck by me through everything, think the same way i do, know me better than i know myself, actually make it all make sense. Its like, uhm okay, you think you have the right to call the only true friends i have shit, when you know fuck all about them, or what they've been through? So many people have come into my life, acted like a proper friend, then just fucked off, for no obvious reason. This has happened so many fucking times before, and i really don't know why i let my guard down anymore, you think i'd have learnt that i can't trust anyone. Me and Lizzie were talking, and decided its like Grease, where Frenchy says "the only guy a girl can trust is her daddy", and its true, but we decided gay bestfriend as well as dad. Ah, i've had efuckingnough of all of this. People wonder why i have trust issues, maybe its the constantly being let down, lied to, and just generally being left by people i thought i could trust. I must be such a shit person, that after a while people just want to get the fuck away from me. Each person i have ever let in, even if its just a tiny bit, just decides they don't want to know me anymore. Thats why i hate talking about personal stuff, because i know it fucks everything up. But then when i stupidly think i've found someone i can trust, i trust them with everything, and thats what fucks it all up. I know i'm too much, i know i'm annoying, i know that i'm hard to understand, i contridict myself a lot, i have problems, and just generally a bit messed up, but then people think that i'm those thing cos i want to be, and that i coul change if i wanted too. Its bullshit.

Simon said something earlier, about us all thinking thats 'its normal'. "Us all" as is me, him, lizzie, will, emily, etc. And "it" being the whole, metal illnessy thingg. And he said that we have all just got so used to being around others with problems that we think its normal to think and act the way we do, when we shouldn't think its normal, because its not gonna help us in the long run, but then, its like the best support system ever. But then Rachel doesn't have problems, but because she's constantly surrounded by people who do, she's starting to think that it's a normal way to be too, which scares me, cos i don't want her ending up in anyway like anyone of us. Not saying that theres anything wrong with who they are as people, i just know its not a good way to be. Just sitting down with Simon and Lizzie the other night, had this massive chat about everything, and things that other people wouldn't be comfortable talking about, just sat there, i missed it so much, knowing that they know exactly what goes on in my head without me having to say fuck, and i've missed that.

Sorry big rant/thing, i'm just upset and pissed off.
Basically, i can't deal with the whole, being forgotten about thing anymore, so fuck it, i have everyone i need, if people are gonna be twats and make me feel like i generally fail at life and friendship, them fuck them. I just wont do it anymore.

almostsarah @ 2008-07-11T19:11:00

2008-07-11T18:24:12Z

I swear that everytime we go to see Sam it starts raining, good luck that boy.
Forgot how much i loved the rain, standing outside with my overly cool umbrella, just made me smile, even though i felt, weird, i don't know, like i'm not really here today. Not sure where i am, but i don't think it's a nice place.
Didn't sleep last night, don't think i'll sleep tonight either.
I miss talking to him on the phone til four am everynight.
I don't like change, sometimes i just want to curl up and forget everything and everyone, pretend that times stopped moving, so i can just live in my head.