I've been thinking a lot lately. If more than usual, i can't really remember.

My rapist told me to make lists to calm me down when my head can't breathe, so here is two.

Four things that define me.
one. them ♥ - They are my whole world, and my heart. I'd fall apart without them; whether that is actually a good thing, i do not know.
two. my Love. - A necklace, with the word 'Love' on, one of them gave me. I wear it every second i am awake. I only don't wear it to bed because i'm scared of breaking it, it looks so delicate. It means so much to me, even though my faith in love has vanished (although i think it's slowly coming back). Handwritten in the box it came in are the words "to remind you... you are loved". I don't know what love is anymore, if it even exists, but the necklace, and those words touched my heart in a way i didn't realise until recently, despite my crazy views and ideas about the subject.
three. Harry Potter. - I am a girl obsessed, and i am not ashamed to admit it. I link things in real life to things in Harry Potter (situations, objects, relationships, places, quotes, people), secretly, in my head of course, as the few times i have done it outloud i have been told "you can't compare Harry Potter to real life Sarah, it's just weird" (which was said both when my friend was explaining to me what Fort Knox was, and i asked if it was like Gringotts, and when i innocently dropped into a serious 'discussion' that the whole Muggle Register thing was sort of like the Jews in WWII); but i think they'll find i can, and i do. Everyone wishes their school/college was Hogwarts, don't deny it.
four. my camera. - I am hardly ever ever ever without it. It is my most favourite thing in the world, minus my bed. I like the fact i've taken more than ten thousand photos in less than a year. With my memory being as bad as it is, the photographs don't let me forget, i don't think people realise that's why i take so many pictures all the time. Just trying to hold on to goodtimes incase they try to slip away from me.



Four boys who have touched my heart.
one. Simon. - He will always be a part of me. I will always hurt when he hurts. I will always need him when i fall. He will always have the best place in my heart, and he will always be my favourite boy in the world. We may not be how we used to be, but he'll always be my perfect bestfriend.
two. Alex. - For lack of a better word, i love him. I fuck up things a lot, i have a hundred different people in my head telling me things, shouting them at me, and it got harder and harder to cope with. It was probably the worst (emotionally, generally) and best (mentally) thing i've done to myself in my life so far. Sorry isn't enough, and my words don't probably mean much, but no one ever came close to him. I held him higher than i should have. I miss him every day. He will always have my heart.
three. Joseph. - He has been, a struggle, to say the least. We've had the best and the worst times, and the worst times break my heart. He will always be the smile on my face.
four. Zani. - 'First love' and all that nonsense. But i really do hate the fact there is an ocean between us now, and that i never took the chance to say goodbye. I couldn't imagine the person i would be if i had never met him, he made me all the good things i am today.



Oh, and i've fallen in like with Frankmusik.
♥

I'm ridiculously attached to you.
You used to be the only one that could make me genuinely happy, now it just seems to have turned into you being the only one that can make me feel as awful as i do now.
And i know it's because i care, too much probably.
I need to stop saying "i love you".
To everyone, including you.
Because i don't even know if i should be saying it anymore, or if i even mean it, like, actually seriously properly genuinely mean it.
I know i mean it when i say it to you, probably the only person that i'm constantly sure i do, but i shall stop all the same, as i can't stand that i mean it and even though you say you do, you clearly don't.
This probably doesn't make sense.
Words aren't my strong point.
They never seem to want to come out in the right order.
Blah.




And Jacob singing to me last night was probably the best part of my weekend, my heart went all funny and i've been smiling all day.
He just seems to have that effect i think.
See this is where i would be like "I love him" but as i can't say that, i shall say that i care so much about him, (: and he means ridiculous amounts to me.

"I love you" is proving to be wayyy easier to stop saying than "sorry".
/:

Just four things.
one. i want our college smoking area to be made up of giant ashtrays like the ones on big brother.
two. i'm glad you're back in my life, i've missed you.
three. i wish jacob black was real.
four. you give me butterflies.